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Office Jokes - 1

Here is our selection of office jokes and humor.
This is page 1 of 4.

jokes
Pride, commitment, teamwork - just some of the words we use to get you to work for free.
jokes
Executives: People who never put off until tomorrow what they can get someone else to do today.
jokes
A lion escaped from the zoo. He was at large for almost a month before he was finally captured and returned to his cage. His cage-mate asked, "how did you manage to stay alive for a whole month?"
"It was easy," said the lion, "everyday I went to a large office and ate a manager."
"So how did they catch you?" asked the cage-mate.
"One day, I made a mistake and ate the lady who brings the tea."
jokes
Why is it the boss is always in early when you're late, and late when you're early?
jokes
Boss: Why were you late for work this morning?
Employee: I overslept.
Boss: You mean you sleep at home as well?
jokes
To: All Personnel
Subject: Absenteeism
It has become necessary for us to review some of our policies, due to frequent absenteeism of our employees.
The following changes are in effect as of today:
Sickness: NO EXCUSE....We will no longer accept your Doctor's statement of proof, and we believe that if you are able to go to the Doctor, you are able to come to work.
Death:(OTHER THAN YOUR OWN)....This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else with a lesser position can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Leave of Absence: (FOR AN OPERATION)....We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation, as we believe as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
Death: (YOUR OWN)....This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like two weeks notice. We feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
Also, too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:15, "B" will go from 8:15 to 8:30, and so on. If you are unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
jokes
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's your excuse this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
jokes
Which is better - being in prison or working in an office?
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x 10' cell.
In the office you spend most of your time in a 6'x 8'cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
In the office you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
In the office you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In the office you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
In the office you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
In the office you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
In the office you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
In the office you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
In the office there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
In the office we have managers.
jokes
An interoffice soccer game was held once a year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff beat the marketing department by ten goals to one.
To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the notice board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2007 Soccer Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
jokes
Office Boy: The boss is starting to take notice of me.
Secretary: How's that?
Office Boy: This morning he asked me if I worked here.

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