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Bar Jokes - 1

Here is our selection of jokes about bars and bartenders.
This is page 1 of 2.

A man walks into a bar and says, "I need a job."
"We already have a bartender," says the bartender.
"I'm a bouncer. Watch this, I'll give you a demonstration." He spots a drunk fast sleep at a corner table, grabs him and throws him out the door.
"That's very impressive," says the bartender, "but you'll have to ask the boss about the job."
"Where is he?"
"He'll be coming back through that door any minute now."
I was drinking in a bar last night when a termite crawled up to me and asked: "Is the bar tender here?"
A guy walks into a bar for the first time, and he's sitting around drinking. Some of the other customers are telling jokes. One of them says "Seventeen" and the other customers all roar with laughter. A little later, another of them says "Thirty-Two" and again, they all laugh and holler. Well, the new guy can't figure out what's going on, so he asks one of the locals next to him "What're these guys doing?" The local says "Well, they've been hangin' around together so long they all know all the same jokes, so to save extra talking they've given them all numbers." The new guy says "That's really clever! I think I'll try it." So he stands up and says in a loud voice "Nineteen!" Silence everybody just looks at him, but nobody laughs. Embarrassed, he sits down again, and asks the local fellow "What happened? Why didn't anyone laugh?" The local says "Well, son, you just didn't tell it right..."
A man goes into a bar and orders three martinis. The bartender is curious and asks why. The man says: "I used to go out for a drink each evening with my brother and sister who have since moved away. This makes me feel closer to them."
The man comes into the bar several nights in a row and does the same thing. However, one night he comes in and only orders two drinks. The bartender is concerned. "Gee," he says, "it's none of my business but I hope nothing happened to your brother or sister."
"Oh, no," the guy replies, "I quit drinking."
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer"?
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I'm heading home"!
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a second and replies "What! They gave me a Chihuahua?"
Two guys are chatting in a pub and one says to the other, "How did you get those scars on your nose?"
"From glasses," said the other guy.
"You should try contact lenses."
"Don't be silly, they wouldn't hold much beer."
This man was in the pub when he spotted someone he thought he knew. So he went over to him and said, "Are you Colin Williams?"
The other man replied that he was not Colin Williams. "That's strange, you look just like him. You must have a double."
"Thanks very much, I'll have a double whisky."
Two fonts walked into a bar. The bartender said, "sorry I can't serve you, we don't want your type in here."
A man walked into a pub and saw a gorilla serving behind the bar. "What's the matter?" said the gorilla, realising he was being stared at. "Have you never seen a gorilla serving drinks before?"
"It's not that," said the man. "I never thought that the hippo would sell this place."

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