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Scottish Jokes - 1

Here is our selection of jokes about Scotland and the Scots.
This is page 1 of 5.

jokes
McTavish and McNab were walking along a deserted road when suddenly they were held up by a mugger.
'Hand over all your money or else,' he ordered.
'Here's the one hundred pounds that I owe you,' said McTavish to McNab.
jokes
"And exactly what made you suspect that these two men were drunk, officer?" a Glasgow judge asked a policeman in court.
"Well, Your Honour," said the policeman, "Jock was throwing five pound notes away and Hamish was picking them up and handing them back to him."
jokes
Did you hear about the Scotsman whose horse swallowed a fifty pence piece?
He's been riding backwards every since.
jokes
Jock was once run over by a brewery lorry.
It was the first time in his life that the drinks were on him.
jokes
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were each left �10,000 by a rich man on condition that after his death each put �100 pounds in his coffin in case he needed it in the afterlife.
The Englishman put in 100 pounds, the Irishman put in 100 pounds and the Scotsman took out the two hundred pounds and put in a cheque for three hundred.
jokes
Did you hear about the Scottish baker who tried to save money by making a bigger hole in his doughnuts.
He discovered that the bigger the hole he made, the more dough it took to go round it.
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Did you hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on the 29th of February?
He had to buy her a birthday present only once every four years.
jokes
When is a Scotsman like a donkey?
When he stands on the banks and brays.
jokes
Having just brought his son home from the optician, the Scotsman said to his wife, "Now be sure to take Donald's glasses off when he's not looking at anything."
jokes
AN Englishman and a Scotsman where standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked up. "You know what," said O'Brien, "I just went into that pub over there, ordered a pint, and played some darts. When I walked out of the pub the barman told me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint. He didn't do anything to me, so I got a free drink!" Smyth-Jones, the Englishman, liked the idea so much he went into the pub and did the same thing tha O'Brien did. An hour later Smyth-Jones came out and told the Irishman, and MacGregor, that the barman didn't give him any trouble either. So MacGregor decided to try too. He walked into the bar and ordered a pint. As MacGregor talked to the barman, the barman mentioned the two guys who walked out without paying. MacGregor asked the barman why he did nothing. The barman said, "I'm not looking for trouble." MacGregor replied, "Well it's getting late - if you'll give me my change, I'll be heading home ...

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